The things I’ve been lead to believe growing up Asian within a majorly White community
Jealously is the karma I must unlearn in this life, but I see now that it was rooted in the White beauty standard
My jealously shifted from person to person, spanning years of development through my life. Insecurities ranging from spending so much money on beautifying the physical, while running away from relationships because of my deeply ingrained fears that I would never be enough. But what I see now is that this not enoughness was embedded in things I couldn’t possible change.
I am not fucking White.
Every association I’ve made growing up was that White girls were more desirable than me. I would honestly feel excited whenever I heard people fetishizing Asian women, because it was a moment in my life that people would confirm that Asian women are actually beautiful enough to be put on a pedestal of fascination and glory. And I never truly understood why I liked it so much. I even recall telling young partners of mine “am I the first Asian girl you’ve ever been with?”. And my heart hurts thinking of all the times I genuinely felt as though I couldn’t amount to a standard that I couldn’t possibly bring myself to.
It ate away at me. In such frustrating windows in my life. From running away from wonderful relationships in fears that they would choose a white woman over me, from dissecting every frustration I felt on social media, forcing myself into negative emotions because it was so damn frustrating trying to understand where it was coming from.
And it’s especially clear to me that I felt insecure in my Asianness because I could never feel these emotions towards other Asian girls. I was enamoured by beautiful Asian women, and felt such an attraction to girls that looked like me. Mostly because I wanted to be them.
My insecurity was a fear in scarcity that I would not be loved
My jealously was most apparent in my young teen years when I vividly remember telling myself I could never be with a bisexual man, because their attraction to other men is something I could never compete with. How could I possibly win someones affection over attributes I had zero control over.
Dating Men with Asian Fetishes
I think I felt the most secure in a relationship where I was knowingly with a partner that had a preference for Asian girls. It felt like I was the pinnacle of their longing. That there couldn’t possibly be an unfulfilled desire within them that wasn’t met because I was everything that they desired.
I had actually taught myself that my physically unchanged self is the only pillar of security within a relationship. That being beautiful is enough to make someone want to stay with me. Having grown up never being desired, and watching other white girls become the preference with every guy I liked developed this belief system that has grown into my adult years.
But every experience I’ve had up until this point truly disapproves how preposterous these claims are. That:
- I am not beautiful enough because I am not white.
- Being Asian is a disadvantage. That I must work harder to be desired.
- There is so much importance on being beautiful because of pretty privilege.
- I will never amount to the best version of myself because I’m stuck with my features.
I have so much love in my life.
Being fetishized felt like such a great divide between parties. Those who wanted us for being exotic, versus those who preferred white women, who, for a large part of my life felt like the majority.
Unlearning the negative belief system
I reflect so I can refute every false claim I learned growing up. I am not beautiful because of my appearance. I don’t have to prove to anyone that I am beautiful. Additionally, it does not matter what my ethnicity is. People will be ignorant no matter what. It’s important to remain compassionate to all. As children, we learn everything from others. I can’t be mad.
In many ways, I am still so fucking privileged to have lived a life devoid of major racism. I genuinely couldn’t fathom having grown up Black within this system, and my heart aches for every little Black girl that grew up (and are growing up) with these same systems in place. Even still, the micro aggressions have prevailed and shown up in my life in ways that I wasn’t even aware of.
Desire is not love
I am not beautiful for my appearance. Desire is not rooted in love but in primal desire. As hard wired as we are for human affection, being Asian does not mean I am not allowed to be loved. My Filipino roots are something I am incredibly proud of. Even though I will never have blue/green eyes or naturally blonde hair, there is so much of me that I admire, and it isn’t external. It doesn’t need to be.
Healing the inner child
As I hold my child self, I tell her that the best features about you are not external. Just because people are interested in others does not mean that you are undeserving of genuine love, and that you will never amount to others the way you want. I see that you want to be admired, but truly darling, you are so much more than that. Your natural state is of a loving nature. You were born with this, so vibrantly. And it’s still within you. Do not let this unattainable false desire get in the way of you living in confidence. You are so loved. Especially by me.
I’m still learning how to dissect and dismantle my internalized racism.The beauty standard were set in place for white women. And acknowledging this is another tool in the arsenal in recognizing that I am enough. I am more than enough. Beauty is not limited to the external.
